HO-HO-HO(pe)

Tis the season to be jolly. We are expected to be in great holiday spirits this time of year. Happy family photo cards are starting to arrive. Newsletters from your friends/families bragging about Sally being a star gymnast or Billy getting straight A's. You're happy for them, but at the same time, your going, Grrrrrrr ....
As you're shopping in the mall for Uncle Buck's gift, you pass the mall Santa with chubby-cheeked children sitting in his lap whispering gift ideas in his ear and mugging for the camera. For those suffering through infertility, this time of  year can be especially painful, as I remember all too well.

Christmas of 2000 was not one of my best memories. Around mid December, I got the news from a routine ultrasound that there was a slight marker that should probably be followed up on (a slight thickening of the nuchal fold). I was told not to worry too much about it - that this showed up in some Down syndrome pregnancies, but that this was only one marker and the odds were slim that anything would be wrong. I decided to schedule a CVS (chorionic villus sampling, a sampling of the placental lining) to rule out any worries. What followed was weeks of waiting/worrying (the cells from the first amnio were slow-growing). Finally, I got the call that is every one's worst nightmare. The results were in, and my baby had two separate severe chromosomal abnormalities (Trisomy 13 *and* an extra marker chromosome). I scheduled an amnio to confirm the results, as the doctor told me that in a small number of cases, only the placental cells are where the damage is (perhaps not the fetus) and that the amnio would be totally conclusive. The amnio confirmed my worst fears. I was advised by my doctor/genetic counselor to end the pregnancy, as these two abnormalities combined were a death sentence for my baby and a risk to my life (the placenta was so damaged, there was a chance it would tear off and I could bleed to death). What followed was the worst Christmas and worst choice of my life.

I'd always loved Christmas, but each Christmas that followed was enveloped in sadness. I was experiencing multiple early miscarriages that I was sure were punishment for my decision. Christmas would never be the same for me. I went through the motions each year and tried to put on a good face for my other two children, but the emptiness inside was eating me alive.

Somehow, I garnered the strength to keep trying, kind of like the Little Engine that Could. "I think I can, I think I can" became my motto. My life became a constant cycle of miscarriages and failed infertility treatments.

It is Christmas 2003, and I've recently undergone my second IVF attempt (first one resulted in miscarriage). I don't have my hopes up like I did with the first IVF. I am being a realist. End of November/early December, I find out I'm pregnant again. Don't let myself get excited, don't want to set myself up for more disappointment. The weeks and months pass by. The baby decides to stay for a while. I have an amnio, and the chromosomes are normal. Too good to be true. Something bad will happen, I'm sure. A cord accident toward the end, perhaps. July 29 of 2004 is my scheduled c-section date, and my nerves are fried. Please just get this baby to the finish line.

                                                                December 25, 2004 :

                                              ***     PLEASE DON'T GIVE UP HOPE    ***

Delinquent Blogger

I realize I haven't posted in over two weeks, and I know that's a "no-no" in the world of blogging.
I'll try to make some excuses, but that would be lame. I guess I can just chalk it up to "life got in the
way". A little about me. I recently turned 46 (yikes - did I really admit that?) and I guess I'm going
through a mid-life crisis. I've decided to go back to school (I graduated from college with a BS in
Information Systems in 1986) and am now studying accounting. I have ten classes to get a second degree in accounting (I'm taking 2 1/2 now - one is a one-credit course) and am trying to juggle that with parenting
three kids (ages 6, 12, and 22!), a very part-time job doing admistrative work for a CPA, taking care of five pets (two Himalayan cats and one pug of my own and my 22-yr-old's two dogs -- a loud chihuahua and a large pug). Let's just say that my house is quite busy and full. Be careful what you wish for, right?
My life is a little crazy, but I wouldn't have it any other way. I thrive in chaos. Anyway, I will try to be
better about posting and offer some informative info, while at the same time, providing some humorous
stories from my life to make you feel better about yours. More later ....

IVF Round #2

Fellow skeptics, below is an excerpt from my book concerning my feelings about whether
my second attempt at IVF would work (following five miscarriages, one failed IUI, and failure
at IVF cycle #1 - with pre-implantation genetic diagnosis - PGD - where the embryos were checked
for chromosomal abnormalities before they were implanted into the uterus). Take note of my doubts of it working:

My reproductive endocrinologist believed a donor egg IVF cycle would be our best option at this point. She informed us the clinical pregnancy rates are 60-70% per attempt with this type of IVF. However, my gung-ho plans for doing donor egg IVF were shot down when I discovered my health insurance didn’t cover donor costs, which are close to $13,000 for one cycle. The outlay of funds couldn’t be justified for the odds of success. So, I figured since I had two remaining “regular” IVF attempts covered by insurance in their entirety, I might as well take advantage of them. Based on my past fruitless attempts at childbearing, it would most likely be a waste of time, but not money.

I figured the odds of this second IVF working were as likely as:

1. Finding the Holy Grail.
2. Solving a Rubic Cube in ten minutes or less.
3. At the arcade, grasping a stuffed animal prize hovering below with the mechanical claw on the first try.
4. Hitting a home run at Wrigley Field.
5. Getting a marriage proposal from Matthew McConaghey.

This is the IVF cycle that was, in fact, successful. I guess the message here is:

Never give up hope.

What does infertility mean to you?

In one sentence, answer the following question (as a comment to this post):

What does infertility mean to you?

Here's my answer ... Infertility is like reflecting on why you're the only one on your block not invited to the neighborhood Labor Day cookout while walking up your front porch stairs clutching your umbrella in the driving wind, pelting-down rain, and Whoosh! - your umbrella blows inside out.

If you can relate to this feeling and you'd like to read more, just click on "follow" to join my blog.

I'm a newbie to blogging, but am learning as I go and will try to keep you entertained, informed,
and offer you a shoulder to lean on as you go through the difficult journey of infertilty.

Suzy

Life

Where to begin? All I can say is, "Life is a minefield". I'd like to share some of the ups and downs of my life to help others and share some tidbits of advice I've acquired along the way. I've been around for 45 years and the older I've gotten, I've learned that it doesn't really matter what people think of you and that a good sense of humor will carry you through a ton of bad luck! And trust me, I've had my share. My motto is that if you want something so bad you can taste it, hunt it down and devour it like a juicy steak.

One of the biggest obstacles of my life was my four-year bout with secondary infertility. It started with a pregnancy that ended at 17 weeks due to severe chromosomal issues in the fetus, followed by multiple miscarriages, infertility work-up, failed infertility treatment attempts (IUI and IVF), and a ton of bad luck to add to the mix.

I've written a book about my journey and am seeking publication. My story had a good ending (my son). I'm hoping that my experience can encourage and lift up other women (and their other halves) going through similar situations.

More to come soon!